Self-training without self-pleasuring?

Here’s a question: how can I train to last longer in bed when masturbation goes against my religion?

In my videos and therapy work, I tend to talk up the benefits of self-pleasure. Most sex therapists have a similar masturbation-positive message.

And my Lasting Longer training plan puts emphasis on masturbation. Mindful self-pleasure helps us get better at balancing our arousal and relaxation.

BUT if you choose not to masturbate for religious reasons, what are you going to do?

I understand that many religious teachings prohibit masturbation: the Catholic church, various forms of Christianity, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Mormons, Jains, Sikhs, Orthodox Jews, Buddhist monks and most schools of Islam. And plenty of others I’m sure.

In some faith communities, masturbation is controversial. Some interpretations provide wriggle room. Self-pleasure might be allowable if it’s part of therapy, but not if it’s done with the wrong motives or as an addiction.

But for a lot of men and women, it’s a hard no. So when you look at PE self-help articles and videos, this might present you with a dilemma.

What’s the official line?

I googled around to see what Catholic resources were out there for overcoming sexual difficulties and I didn’t find anything very specific. Some general advice to appreciate your body and the function you’ve been given, imperfect as it is. I can’t ague with that.

Islamic forums were more upfront, I have to say. Some suggestions of distracting oneself during sex. ‘Think of childcare costs the moment you get into bed‘ offered one witty contributor.

Other advice included limiting foreplay and touch before intercourse. Keep sexual movement to a minimum. I not sure about that but don’t try to hammer away like they do in porn, absolutely.

And I did see mentions of dietary things, like eat a spoonful of honey with a garlic clove in it every morning and make sure you chew on the garlic. I have no idea what this does.

This wasn’t comprehensive research, so please let me know in the comments if I’m doing anyone a disservice. But I think this could be improved on.

Taking masturbation off the menu, what’s left for training yourself to last longer in bed?

Well, as one of the guys who contacted me helpfully suggested, you could ask your partner to lend a hand.

In many ways, this is even better than solo training. You’re getting more used to a longer duration of arousal in the presence of your partner, without the pressure and anticipation of intercourse. That’s time well spent, right there.

My understanding is that for most faiths, any activity done with one’s partner or spouse isn’t considered masturbation. This might not fly with the more procreation-leaning faiths, but if your partner helping out leads to more satisfying intercourse experiences, maybe that’s acceptable?

If your partner is willing but you’re not sure, take advice by all means. As you can probably tell, I’m trying not to contravene anyone’s beliefs here.

Another thing you certainly can do is disconnect from watching porn. If you adhere to a faith, you might not be watching porn anyway. But just in case…

I’m not anti-porn or moralising, and I don’t think watching porn causes PE. But it doesn’t help us develop our sexual skills either.

Let’s just say that when we watch porn, as rational and grown-up as we may be, a part of us just can’t help making comparisons. Absorbing unrealistic expectations of sex, quite subconsciously. And that turns into pressure when we’re with our partners.

Who needs that? Not us.

And there are plenty of other exercises to lay the foundations for longer lasting sex. Kegels and releasing tension in our lower bodies. The ‘cooldown’ breath technique.

Doing these things in our day-to-day to get used to feeling the benefits. Getting your stress levels down goes a long way too.

There are things we can do during sex too

Go for round two, when you have much less pent-up tension. It doesn’t work for every guy, I know, but it’s classic advice and I can’t imagine any teaching saying no to that.

Acclimatise to intercourse. There’s a way of pacing yourself so you’re not flooded with sensation. The tip I mentioned above about minimal movement kind of applies here. Easing into intercourse, slowly – slower than you instinctively would.

It’s a top tip, when you know how to do it without teasing and over-stimulating yourself.

And plenty more things: better communication with your partner, understanding each other’s desires. Using a delay product like a spray or cream – as a temporary confidence booster to help you observe what your body can do, rather than a permanent go-to.

So there you have it, my abstaining friend. There are plenty of proven things you can do to build your sexual confidence and help yourself last longer in bed.

And whether we choose to masturbate or not, this kind of personal-development project calls for an attitude of experimentation. If your partner is on board with that, even better.