Here’s some feedback I occasionally receive: deep breathing, relaxation methods, optimal sex positions – that’s alright for men who are enjoying intercourse, or receiving oral, and want to do it for longer.
But what about men who don’t get that far?
There isn’t time to get into flow – we’re over the finish line already
There are quite a few men in this situation. Sometimes called rapid ejaculation or severe premature ejaculation.
Also ante portas ejaculation: before penetration, meaning ‘before the gates’ in Latin.
Even though there’s lots of advice and courses and products for overcoming PE, I think this aspect of the problem – really rapid ejaculation – is neglected.
It’s not that well understood, it’s immensely embarrassing for the men who experience it.
I’ve seen delay products that say they’re for men who already last 30 seconds or so. The manufacturers are being careful not to over-promise.
So what about men who don’t last 30 seconds?
Sex therapists say it’s not all about how long you last.
With connection and creativity, great sex doesn’t need to be for a certain duration. We can give and receive a lot of pleasure in seconds, minutes, whatever.
And this is true – I say similar things. But I understand guys feeling discounted or ignored. Particularly those on the quicker side. Because they want to enjoy intercourse and receive oral, and their partners would like that too.
Yes there are lots of ways to have sex, and they don’t all involve your penis.
Explore all the ways to give and receive pleasure, but you really don’t need to give up on your penis. There is more you can do about this.
Our nervous system doesn’t care about timings
Remember that the arousal curve from getting an erection to ejaculation is dependent on your nervous system.
That erection happens in the relaxed state – the parasympathetic, blood flowing, receptive state.
And then as you get more excited, however soon that happens – you switch to the sympathetic, activated, going for it state and boom. Ejaculation.
The curve isn’t usually a straight line – we stop, we start, we breathe, we calm down, we change position. Our arousal fluctuates.
Most guys find that they experience a couple of big waves and they ride them out and then they settle for a while. Their arousal plateaus and they feel less on edge.
But rapid ejaculation is like a straight line. The whole process happens in seconds. Isn’t the body amazing, and annoying?
But the key thing here – and it’s good news – is that shift, that process, is still happening. And that means we can slow it down.
Spontaneous ejaculation surprises
One possible exception is guys who experience SE: spontaneous ejaculation.
This is the rarest of the ejaculation dysfunctions, but it is a thing. Ejaculation that happens without any sexual stimulation at all.
It takes you by surprise. Maybe when using the toilet, or in the middle of panicky situations like a big exam.
This is rare, and there’s usually more going on: there’s been some kind of trauma or injury, or a medication is doing weird things to dopamine and serotonin levels.
Guys with rapid ejaculation often say that their penis feels hyperexcitable, hypersensitive – but they still need some element of touch or some sexual stimulation to reach ejaculation.
It might be sudden but it’s not taking them completely by surprise.
The over-sensitive penis
And that leads us to skin sensitivity, which is a big factor in rapid ejaculation. Some guys are very responsive to touch, heat, sensation down there.
And there are things we can do about this – see my videos on ways to gradually reduce sensitivity and utilising penis root masturbation.
And if you try my self-help course, you’ll find a whole section and an action plan on exactly how to do this. It’s specifically for men who need to develop this foundation first.
We need to be able to tolerate sensation for 10 or 20 seconds before we can realistically implement other techniques, acclimatising ourselves to more touch and intensity. One step at a time.
There’s a psychological aspect to rapid ejaculation too
Guys want to be sexual but they expect the problem to happen – because it’s happened before. Hence their conflicted feelings of desire and dread.
Their performance anxiety ramps right up. Usually with added shame and embarrassment.
There’s work we can do here. Some degree of acceptance: yes we have a tendency here, we might need to develop skills that other guys don’t need. But it doesn’t need to limit our sexual potential.
And opening up to our partners and getting on the same page, relieving more of the performance pressure.
Quite often, guys have experienced trauma around this. A bad sexual experience, a partner who was cruel about it – or it felt like they were being cruel. Hence feelings of shame and inadequacy that keep visiting every time we feel sexual.
In therapy, we can set this properly in the past using the rewind technique.
So getting past those initial seconds. Some physical, solo training and developing that tolerance to touch. And some mindset work, if required.
Realistic outcomes for rapid ejaculation
It’s a revelation when you really experience being and staying aroused for longer. “Huh look at that… it’s been a couple of minutes, and I’m still going, wow” – and confidence builds from there.
I’ve seen this approach work for men who were coming within seconds. It took some perseverance. The results weren’t instant but it was achievable.
There are other options too: SSRI medication can make a noticeable difference, raising serotonin levels and slowing down the ejaculation reflex.
For men with rapid ejaculation, severe PE, I think there’s more of a case for supplementing therapy with an SSRI. Again, it’ll buy you more time to work on technique.
And it can be a short-term supplement, when you’re developing your skills and not just relying on meds.
SSRIs like paroxetine, citalopram, sertraline are prescribed for spontaneous ejaculation too.
There are more drastic treatments for penile sensitivity, like circumcision, botox injections, transcutaneous posterior tibial nerve stimulation. But my recommendation would be to explore the more straightforward methods first.
As ever, you should speak with your doctor if you’re considering any this, or if you have any concerns at all about your sexual function.
I hope this helps address some of the stigma and the anxiety around this issue, and signposts a few ways forward.
Like I say, rapid ejaculation can be challenging. But it’s certainly not uncommon and not untreatable.
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