Will writes:
I’m 33 years old, healthy and fit, married and always had the habit of coming too fast. Usually within 1 to 1.5 minutes. I give foreplay and oral and sex with my wife is still good, but we both know it could be a hell of a lot better. My dick feels sensitive to all kinds of touch, always has done.
I follow the advice about edging, stopping when I feel close. Following advice you gave, I also stopped jerking off to porn. That surely helped me notice this thing about my own body.
Here’s the thing… sorry about the TMI… I jerk off laying back on the bed, super relaxed. Often I get close to coming and I have to take a break. When I start again, it’s maybe 30 seconds or a minute before I have to stop again. It goes like this, like a constant battle to stop myself ejaculating and be more relaxed.
Then when I’ve had enough and decide it’s time to come, I stand up and head for the bathroom. You guys know the drill.
I’ve noticed that this final part of the deed always takes longer. It’s like I need to jerk for another 3 or 4 minutes without stopping to get the job done. Sometimes I swear it’s longer. I’m still hard and I’m still turned on, I just seem to be able to last.
As soon as I stop trying to delay, I’m lasting a lot longer. What gives? Should I stop trying to last with my wife too – is that possible?
Interested to hear what you think if you have time. Good website btw, I can tell that you get it.
Thanks Will for getting in touch, and please don’t worry. It’s helpful to get into the nitty gritty. In fact, most of this website is powered by TMI.
The phenomenon you describe is interesting, isn’t it? I have a few thoughts about what might be going on, and what we can usefully do with this insight.
You’re changing your physiology
Firstly, you described how you physically move from one state to another. You get up off the bed, walk into the bathroom and finish off standing up.
This changes your physiology: movement, blood flow and muscle activation.
I recommend switching positions during sex for exactly this purpose. We naturally last longer when we’re relaxed, and particularly when muscles in our lower body are less tense.
Some sex positions demand more from our musculature than others (I’m looking at you, missionary position).
Some guys don’t know how to move optimally in these positions, thrusting in an awkward and tense way that fast-tracks them to ejaculation. That’s not a criticism, they just don’t realise it.
And whether we have the skills or not, sticking in any position for too long will build up tension. So it makes sense to switch things up.
Not only is sex more interesting this way for everyone involved, we get a mini-break while we make the change. Porn actors do all the positions for these same reasons.
You’re noticing your environment
Then there’s the shift in your attention. One minute you’re laying on the bed that you associate with sex and sleep. Next minute you’re looking at the toilet.
It’s a bit like the old trick of thinking about football teams or maths during sex. Deliberately distracting ourselves can calm our arousal, but it risks killing off erections too.
Plus when we’re forcing ourselves to think in this way, we’re not really embracing the moment and vibing with our partners.
So it’s quite possible that the toilet factor is helping you to prolong the action, but I wouldn’t recommend carrying this over to your sex life. There are better approaches, trust me.
You’re experiencing paradoxical intention
And then there’s the shift in your intention that occurs as you enter that bathroom.
When you’re edging away in the bedroom, you’re committed to relaxing and avoiding orgasm for as long as possible. Just as you say, it can feel like we’re battling with our own bodies.
And then you stop trying. You enter a different headspace and your physiology responds in an unexpected way: everything relaxes and ejaculation feels much less imminent.
If you’ve owned a cat, you’ll know how they sometimes go nuts at the back door. Yet as soon as you approach the door and open it, the cat just stands there looking at you. “Are you coming in or not?”, you debate with your cat.
Your penis can be just as contrary.
A useful phenomenon
In psychological terms, this is paradoxical intention. The harder you try to prevent some behaviour, the more imminent it feels. Try to make a behaviour happen on demand and it goes away.
We’ve all experienced this phenomenon in other ways. Like when we’re trying so hard to get to sleep, for example, or trying to push away worries and intrusive thoughts.
The same applies to many physical behaviours, such as blushing, sweating, stuttering, hiccupping, laughing and yes, ejaculating.
The famous psychiatrist Viktor Frankl was one of the first to recognise the usefulness of paradoxical intent for helping people overcome difficulties. Deliberately saying bring it on to some unwanted thought or behaviour is now common in mainstream therapies, from Gestalt to CBT.
Sex therapists also use the paradoxical approach to assist guys, whether they struggle to reach orgasm or experience premature ejaculation. For men in the latter camp, the advice is to let go of anxiety and fear by willing themselves to come as soon as possible.
Psychologists don’t fully understand how paradoxical intention works; the influence of the imagination over physiological reflex is complex.
But Will – I think you may have found it. You might not be actively willing yourself to ejaculate in your bathroom, but you’ve opened the door and invited orgasm in. You’ve stopped pushing it away.
The takeaway is that you, and every guy reading this post, can experiment further with this approach.
It’s a simple technique that doesn’t always work, but that’s ok too. Anything that positively messes with our experience and expectation around premature ejaculation is useful and builds self-awareness.
Top tips for getting paradoxical with your PE:
- Start messaging your penis right from the outset, as soon as you know you’re going to get laid today. Decide that you want to come quickly.
- Enter the spirit of gaming your PE. Ramp up the trash talk. “OK penis, let’s break the world premature ejaculation record… super-lightening fast, you hear me? You’re going to come as soon as you get hard, before you’ve even been touched… let’s do this!“
- Try to really want it, and not just because you read some article. Be bold. You’re doing this for you and your partner.
All of this may sound ridiculous, I know. CBT therapists spend a lot of time convincing their clients to be open to the very thing that they fear and despise. That’s all part of the paradox.
I’ve seen this approach work, so by all means give it a go.
Get creative with it, and don’t stress either way. There are plenty of proven approaches to overcoming PE, and experimentation is key here.
Thanks again Will for sharing!
If you’d like to ask Jason a question or share your experience, feel free to get in touch.
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