I last too long for my girlfriend now

George reached out to me with a problem.

Spoiler alert: if you’re a guy, you might not feel a huge amount of sympathy for this one. It might sound like a nice problem to have. Enviable, even.

But bear with me, because you might have this situation coming your way sometime. As a therapist, I’m here to tell you – it happens.

George’s anticlimax: are we getting there yet?

I was coming within three minutes and finally decided to do something about it. I wasn’t getting complaints, but I’m masculine in other ways and don’t want my gf to ever have to fake for me…

There’s a lot we could unpack there, George, but I hear you.

So following you and Cameron Fraser, and with stretching, relaxed hip movement and the Cooldown Technique, I’ve had good results. I was past 10-14 minutes after 3 months.

That’s decent, George. I’ve come across Cameron Fraser – he’s the Australian sex coach, and he does it well. But I’m going to take all the credit here. The Cooldown Technique is my thing, right?

Problem is, I’m getting complaints now.

Oh no, that’ll be Cameron’s fault, I think you’ll find…

Not directly but my girlfriend asked if we were getting there yet. Now she stimulates herself while we’re making love and I wish she didn’t feel the need to do that. She looks more bored if I’m honest. I don’t want to go back to 3 minutes.

I hear you, George.

Welcome to the challenges of post-PE sex

You’ve worked hard and dedicated yourself to developing self-control. It hasn’t been easy and you’re finally lasting longer.

But the fireworks you anticipated aren’t going off.

I think porn and even well-meaning sex guides play a part in setting up this expectation. We finally overcome premature ejaculation and our partners will reciprocate with gasps of “OMG you’re amazing at this” while having one orgasm after another.

I try to address this in my self-help course. There’s a section towards the end about this new chapter in your sexual experience, and additional skills may now be required.

You’ve got time to fill now. And it’s not just a matter of prolonged banging away. It’s time to be a bit more creative and connected.

Many women aren’t into prolonged intercourse, which also takes some guys by surprise. Or they’re more likely reach orgasm in other ways. It’s estimated that 75% of women don’t reach orgasm through intercourse.

So George, this may well require a conversation with your girlfriend. I detect a bit of mutual mind-reading going on between the two of you, which is also common. It’s delicate, I know.

Have a talk, out of the bedroom, not just before or straight after sex. What are her needs, how can your needs be better synced with hers?

You don’t need to go back to 3 minutes. That wasn’t satisfying for you.

Remember that for most couples, the average duration of intercourse is around 5.4 minutes. Some surveys say closer to 7 minutes. And you can mix it up: switch positions, tempo, angle and depth.

Your focus until now has been on holding on, I get that. But it might not have been the main focus for your girlfriend.

Good on you for stepping up. Truly. But I often see this with couples: he’s fixated on resolving his premature ejaculation, and she supports him but also says “look, there are other things we could try, how about this…”. But us guys do tend to fixate on stamina.

So here you are with an opportunity. A nice opportunity to have. It’s about sharing pleasure from here on in, not putting on a performance.

The realities of lasting longer in bed

For you, George, and you guys who may well have this in your future:

• There’s dealing with erectile fluctuation. Noticing you go a bit soft and then hard again. That’s natural. It’s actually one of the keys to lasting longer, but it might be a new experience for you. It’s a confidence thing.
• Dryness, aches, discomfort, pain, cramp setting in. The challenges of going the distance. Move around, remember to use lube, switch things up. And remember there’s a place for spontaneous quickies in the mix too.
• Balance all this out with foreplay. You might be going down on her or using a toy and thinking ‘this isn’t what I did all those kegels for…’. But get past that penis-performance thinking. A broad sexual repertoire is hot.
• Open communication. Not making assumptions about what she wants, or whether she’s bored or disappointed. Read the room, by all means, but talk about it. Her telling you her desires and needs is a massive compliment.
• Remember that for every sexually active person on the planet, sex is just OK sometimes. Occasionally it’s rubbish and sometimes it’s amazing – most of the time somewhere in between. Just like the rest of our lives, really. Guys with PE tend to perceive every time as rubbish and blame themselves, and part of overcoming PE is breaking out of this habit too.

So George, thanks for sharing.

And I hope this story inspires other guys. To remind us that we really can train to last longer, absolutely. But it’s rarely the endgame.

Keep talking, connecting and enhancing your sexual experience. You and your partner deserve it.